I came back from Christmas break with optimism about what I had left to do. I had everything planned out, I even processed blood two times in preparation. Then everything changed after an email that Kiwi sent me out of the blue, it came after an email requesting a meeting. Here is the main excerpt:
"I cannot buy any more supplies for your studies, which are now not funded,After that, all work essentially stopped. I panicked at first thinking that meant next month (Feb) but I found that "as soon as possible" meant April. But now after the past week, I'll be here through May, defending mid-May. That's it. No more. No options. I'm extremely
and the Center needs to stop funding your salary as they are overextended."
upset that I won't be done at the end of April because that means I'm just going to miss the graduation deadline.
There's a lot more to this story, which I probably talk about as I have to take breaks or vent in the next few months. But right now I'm a bit overwhelmed because I have to write an entire dissertation and manuscript in two months because of the demands of my committee.
I have so much running through my brain right now that I'm probably rambling, which is why I haven't posted. But maybe if I start typing again those thoughts will become a bit more ordered.
I'm so sorry to hear about your recent panic, which I'm sure will bring on a monster couple of months while you write your dissertation...AND a manuscript!?! Hopefully one will be a close copy of the other.
ReplyDeleteIt will absolutely get better! Just think about how close you are to getting done. It will all be over soon...
I would have killed Kiwi for cutting things off completely out of the blue like that. Jerk.
(hug?)
Oh, how awful! I'm so sorry to hear that. How is that news you tell someone in an email? I'm sure you can get the writing done in two months. Plus, it's gonna be hell, so might as well get hell over with quickly. (That was supposed to be optimistic....)
ReplyDeleteYikes! That sounds rather nightmarish. Good luck working through this...
ReplyDelete...but it is nice to see you again in the blog world.
Hi Goddess,
ReplyDeleteOh I'm glad you are back in blogworld, I missed your posts terribly... What you are describing sounds like a very tough situation, although I don't understand some parts of it (like why does it matter whether you miss the graduation deadline, as long as you still graduate...). In any case, I'm sending you my hugs, cause I think you need some.
Last summer, I had the same overwhelming and incapacatitating state of mind, when I thought I had to write a paper and prepare for the research proposal and restudy all of my grad classes before Christmas while working full (and actually over-)time. There could be so much anxiousness associated with all these overwhelming "must do"s in a such a short period of time, that your brain temporarily loses the ability to plan and split tasks in steps. Yet it seems to me that it is the only way to deal with this.
One thing that helped me to calm down is to think about my fears of the adverse outcomes, that is what would happen if I fail to accomplish one or most of those things. Will my life be ruined or just inconvenienced by that? Dealing with these fears helped me start working on one to-do item at a time (although occasional freak-outs still happened!).
And then you know Bible is full of advices like "cast your anxieties on God because he cares for you" and although I don't always know how to do that, I do find a lot of comfort in trying anyways. God has our best interests at heart and has no ulterior motives, so how could we wish for a better helper than that?
Having said that, venting and writing about your feelings helps a lot to deal with them. I'm looking forward to your future posts and I wish you the best in figuring out the way to accomplishing your goal. Er, I'll try to be less wordy next time :) I'm just excited you are back!
Big hugs! Please, feel free to email me, I'm at yfsblog at gmail.
ReplyDeleteI had some pretty shitty experiences my last year of grad school, so I really feel for you because I've been through some very similar stuff.
It's going to sound impossible from where you sit, but the best thing you can do is to figure out how to find some calm, and grab onto it.
Calm is good. Quiet, resolved, focused calm.
I personally have a weird continuum where I get really upset at first, and if I let myself stay that way I do things that make perfect sense - except in retrospect.
If things are bad enough, though, I go into super-calm crisis mode. You need to be in this place. You need to be in the eye of the storm.
Try to look it this way: this is not the end of the world. Watch some apocalyptic movies/tv shows (I like buffy and angel and the matrix movies). Take lots of deep breaths. Better yet, take a class in meditation.
Whatever you do, don't panic. Panic is bad. You're much better off in 'fight' mode than in 'flight' mode.
Your advisor is in flight mode. Sounds like funding problems, and most PIs do not handle this well, especially if they haven't experienced it before. Try not to let that atmosphere influence you. Work from home if that helps. Lean on your friends and e-friends. We're here for you.
And just remember this, above all this: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE THIS HAS HAPPENED TO.
Some of us can tell you what sorts of experiments we have done in similar situations, and what the results were. We can tell you what worked for us and what didn't. This can be extremely valuable.
When it happened to me, I was aware that this was neither the first nor the last time this kind of thing would happen, but I didn't really have anyone to turn to.
You're much luckier. Help is on the way, you just have to reach out, and your blog is a great way to do that.
I want to thank everyone for their kind comments. Just talking about it seems to help, as does hearing from people who can relate.
ReplyDeleteCS: yes, I pray a lot and I know what I should do, but as you seem to know, my emotions don't always follow my brain!
Kelly: I'm not too sure yet if the dissertation is going to follow my manuscript, unfortunately (see my next post)
SGG: Don't worry, that was optimistic!
Ms.PhD: Thank you so much, I've actually thought about meditation classes but have given up because I can't seem to find the time.
Dr.BH: It's nice to be back!
I would tell you to kick him in the nuts, but I'm pretty sure his wife got rid of those quite a while ago....
ReplyDeleteIsn't he king of giving bad new via email?
I miss you and everyone, how are you?? email me. Use my work email.
--old lab manager