Reasons why I hate today

• I stabbed my finger with a broken coverslip. FD extracted it but it hurts to do anything. I can't wear a band aid because I can't get the glove over it. It is still bleeding because I'm using it. And throbbing.
• It is now pouring outside. A downpour. Mo jinxed me, she said it was no longer supposed to rain today. Now I have to walk down the street to pick up my blood to process. I told her I should make her do it.
• I put the wrong antibody on my slides. Last night I blocked my slides with a Fab fragment before adding the second primary antibody which is the same species as the first primary antibody. I put on the first secondary again. So I just washed it and added the second primary without blocking again. It better work.
• I don't have time to analyze my data before my lab meeting tomorrow. Because I messed up the slide procedure it took twice as long as it should have.
• It's freezing in here. We now have to wear lab coats all the time but I'm wearing a sweater instead, the coat is too thin.
• I'm starving. I don't know if it's because of the long hours I've been working but I've been ravenous these past couple days.
• The air conditioner is confirmed broken at home. And since we have to close the windows because of the rain it is going to be very uncomfortable. Once I finally make it home.
• I have a sore spot on my head from where it collided with the incubator door yesterday, rather hard I might add.
• I'm tired.

Update:

• This is the punishment I get for multi-tasking. I had three flow assays for today. One completely stained on Tuesday. One fixed yesterday and stained today. One fixed and stained today. While I was transferring the cells from the 96-well plates to the FACS tubes I put one of my positives controls in the tube of another experiment's controls. I don't know if I'll be able to salvage them. At least I didn't screw up the really big experiment from today. Yet.
• At this rate maybe I'll be home by 1am only to be back here at 7:30am to finish processing blood before the necropsy samples arrive. Maybe I can talk my boss into moving our 3pm meeting to Monday so I can go home and sleep.
• I'm still tired.

Slurp, sigh, pause

There is the older Indian guy that works on our floor. I don't know who is and I don't really care. All I know is - he's odd and rude. He cuts people off to get through doors first. He walks past people like they don't exist. And he has crazy hair, long white roots with tan/brown ends. Very distinctive. I asked Mo if I talked about that Indian dude with the funky hair did she know who I meant and she knew right away.

Anyway, I finally had time to eat lunch around 2:30pm. The first break all day and since it was so late I had the break room all to myself. It is a corner room with windows for walls. We are on one the higher floors so there is a wonderful view. The sun was shining, I was trying to read. Then here comes this guy who fills a paper cup with water from the sink to drink. Guess the water from the fountain wasn't good enough. Then he walked over to the windows, stood beside me and proceeded to slurp his water. Slurp, sigh, pause - slurp, sigh, pause. It drove me nuts! I just stared at him, but he never turned around. I would have said something but I had pretty much finished my lunch and my timer was going to go off anyway. He probably would have ignored me anyway.

I can still hear the slurping in my head. Slurp, sigh, pause - slurp, sigh, pause.

Thought I would have been lower than that

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Preparing to write, but not yet writing

So this week I went to a class on how to format my dissertation into the electronic format our university wants. It was a class with various people from different fields. I have to wonder how some people are able to earn their degrees. Some of the questions made me want to bang my head against the desk. I even had to instruct the instructor on how to do certain things when he couldn't answer a question. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong field because I always seem to be doing computer stuff. I pick up on things very quickly. I've been asked several times if that is my major. I think though that this is a side effect of our field. We have to learn how to use computers. It's how we analyze data, it's how we write, it's how we research. We can't escape them and sometimes they are the bane of our existence.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I found myself becoming very anxious during the class and that took me by surprise. The reality of having to write. If I'm going to be done by the end of summer I need to start but I don't know how. My aims aren't even finalized. I have no publications thanks to my boss. I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety.

Lately I've even begun to doubt myself. Do I know enough to write a dissertation? Do I know enough to defend myself to a bunch of men with Ph.D.'s who think they know all? None of my committee meetings have gone very well. I often find myself thinking "You've got to be kidding me," in response to several, well, most of their comments. I'm starting to doubt whether I can do this. If I had a publication under my belt I would feel better. Also if I had a boss who supported me and was actually paying for me I'd feel better. I'm under all this pressure to finish, finish, finish. Not because I'm ready but because the money has run out. The department is now paying my stipend but I don't know how long they are going to be willing to do that. The boss is stopping Mo's funding at the end of August, and it looks like both her and I will have to register for the Fall semester because we may not be able to defend until September. That means the department will be covering both of us.

I'm just starting to freak out and I haven't even started writing yet. I worried that when I start writing I will find that I don't have enough. It would be much easier if I had solid aims but with every meeting my aims keep changing. Even in my April meeting which was supposed to be my last. It ended with no consensus on what needed to be done. Another time I will have to talk about that meeting because I still get pissed when I think about it.

And if I'm going to be done in a few months I need to start looking for a job. I don't know what to do about that. It's hard for me to make myself look when I don't even know when I'll be done.

I couldn't even make myself go to the other electronic dissertation class that was on Thursday. I told myself what is the point because by the time I write I will forget everything they tell me.

It's just for the second time in my doctoral student career I'm doubting my capabilities. I don't like it when I'm like this. The last time was when my boss almost broke me and it actually popped in my head that maybe I should quit with a master's just to get the hell out of here. It's not like me to doubt myself like that or let other people put me down. I don't like what this place is doing to me as a person. I'm grouchy, often depressed, cynical, and a lot of times rude. That's not me, I'm normally happy, optimistic, outgoing but I'm finding it harder and harder to be that way. I need to get out of here before this place, this program sucks the life completely out of me.

Might be an experiment free week

So I'm still pissed at LB, he sent me an email saying several things, among which I am now "discourteous" and ended the email with 'have a pleasant weekend.' Not to mince words, I wanted to rip his passive aggressive, arrogant, stupid face off. I was once accused of being passive aggressive, so he's also a hypocrite. And as anyone who knows me can tell you, I can be aggressive (or I like to say assertive) and definitely I'm never passive.

Anyway, there is a necrospy tomorrow. Well, I guess today because his monkey is too sick to last until Friday. It's his own fault his monkey's are dying so fast. I was tempted to run 5 minutes late again, this time on purpose just to piss him off. Instead I decided why should I get up early to get done before the samples get there. I no longer do experiments on Fridays that have necropsy's. Why should Mondays be any different? Should I feel guilty using the necropsy as an excuse not to work? I don't think so. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't do the proper prep work for Monday so I'd have to get there waaay too early to be done by 11am.

On the downside, my entire week is pretty much shot before it gets started.

Monday: no experiments, analyze data, using necropsy as an excuse.

Tuesday: no experiments, have to attend a class on how to write an electronic dissertation. And set up for Wednesday.

Wednesday: process blood, maybe do experiment I set up the day before. Haven't decided if I should go to the newly scheduled department meeting. If I do, my day is shot.

Thursday: probably no experiments this day either, promised a master's student I would attend her exam practice because she didn't pass it the first time. Normally I skip these things but Kdog suggested she talk to me and she actually asked me personally instead of just sending me an email. I feel obligated to help.

Friday: blood in morning, and yet another necropsy, designated data analysis day, if I have any. Maybe lit review, which I haven't done in a while.

And just a short statement to clarify why I can't do experiments when anything else is going on - all my experiments have 1 hour timepoints. That is the longest incubation time in an experiment that can last anywhere from 10 to 14 hours. So if I attend anything, a seminar, data club, journal club, anything, I can't do any assays on that day. Kind of sucks.

In all actuallity, I do have a lot of data to analyze right now as well as a lab notebook to update. I have several live-cell microscopy experiments to analyze and they take hours upon hours. Each experiment has about 2o stage positions, and the scope takes a picture of every stage position every 4 minutes for 5 to 10 hours. It takes a loooong time analyze and I've been putting it off. Guess this would be a good week to get it done.

Other good thing, I have to analyze the data in another lab so I won't see the Kiwi.

The gloves are off

I am so pissed that I can't even work now. I get here at 7am on necrospy days to be done before the samples get here. I was 5 minutes late last Friday. 5 minutes! LB felt compelled as he was leaving today to inform me to be done on time on Monday. I said I was only 5 minutes late. He told me it was rude. I controlled myself, I didn't kill him or string him up. I just looked at him and said "You really don't want to start this." And walked away. He is the LAST person to be calling anyone anything. He publishes data that is false, he lies about how much work he does, he order technicians and other people around like he is the boss and not a student.

If he wants to start acting like a dick he picked the wrong person. I will not put up with it like other people in lab. I sent him an email informing him that his comment was uncalled for and he is the last person to be calling anyone anything. I don't care that it's in writing. Just let someone ask what I meant and I'll be happy to explain it to them.

He is stepping on the wrong persons toes. I have been civil to him thus far but no longer.

I'll be done soon and just don't care anymore. The gloves are off.

Paranoia Update

So, Geeka and I were wondering if he is looking for a new job, what about his wife? Well, I talked to Mo about it and during his earlier trip she reminded me that he told her and me different things. He told me he was going to give a seminar. He told her he was going because his wife had something. Hmmm.

I might be paranoid

The boss has been making me and Mo nervous lately. He's being realistic in how long it will take to get experiments done, he's in a decent mood, and he's being supportive of my work. All of which are extremely unusual. We are waiting for something to happen. Something always happens.

Mo told me that he has agreed that something he wanted her to do isn't going to be necessary. That she has enough. So he is cutting things from her and my project that might be great to do (at least in my case) but would take too long for our timetable. If we had done this a year ago it would be fine.

I learned yesterday he is gone today and tomorrow. I learned today where he went. This is the second time he has visited the same university down south. The first time he gave a seminar. No one knows what he is doing this time. He didn't even bother to tell us he was leaving.

I'm starting to worry that perhaps he is looking for another job. Besides his money issues, that might be why he is being realistic about what we can do by the end of the summer. He wants us to be done with experiments, writing, and ready to defend by the end of summer.

I wish I knew what he's doing down there. I bet LB knows.

Now it's a logo

Not only does our boss want flags, now LB is talking about a logo. When Kiwi was talking about flags LB was talking about how the new logo for our facility is lame. How someone he knows should design a new one. Then LB suggested that we need a logo for our lab. I think he was serious. I also think he saw the look I gave him. I told Mo and her first comment was that it would have to be a gay flag.

I feel I need to make a disclaimer. We have nothing against gay people. I have gay friends. We just have a problem with the ones that we work with, especially our boss.

Money Issues

It's kind of obvious that our boss is not well liked. He doesn't pay for two of his students, the remaining two (Mo & I), he says he doesn't have enough money to keep. Yet he is actively interviewing postdocs and will eventually hire one. So we know he's lying for the most part. As a result, we (FD, Mo, and I) don't care at all how much we spend. We buy what we need and sometimes we buy things we don't need (usually me). Our motto is "Spend the f*rs money. Who cares."

Well, yesterday, our boss has finally taken notice to what we've been doing. As a result of moving to the new facility, most of our purchases have to be signed by him. We used to use P-card, now we can't. And he never paid attention to finances. He came to each of us and asked that we watch what we spend and try to be frugal. Apparently, we all managed to spend 23,000 dollars last month! Most of his money has been wasted on LB's study so none of us really care. And honestly, most of what we bought last month were legit purchases. Mo and I are growing A LOT of dendritic cells, which require IL-4, GMCSF, and a lot of media with expensive FBS. That's probably where the bulk of the money is going. Oh well, if he wants our experiments to work, to even be done at all, we need the stuff.

I'd be interested to see how much the spending goes down after Mo and I leave.

Lab crap

Someone needs to shake me. I'm trying to resist the urge to complete reorganize (or organize) this lab by myself. I can't take it. There is no reason why anything is located where it is. When we lost our storage room last week everything was put above our benches, nowhere near the hood rooms. LB was pissed because he was the one who had to take everything out of the storage room. So he put stuff in no conceivable order. Pipettes are everywhere, conicals are everywhere. Every time I need something it's like a scavenger hunt. The hood rooms are just as bad. He randomly put stuff in those rooms, instead of putting useful stuff in there. I've been fighting the urge for days and I don't know how long I can hold it off.

The area where our lab is located is about 75% empty, but it is slowly filling up. And in order to entice certain scientist to join the place, the director wants it to look as open and empty as possible (shows room for expansion). However, that means that every time someone moves in, we are forced to compress stuff, like losing the storage room. We all had to move sinks down. It's ridiculous because as soon as an area is set up we have to move it. Anyway, our benches were at the end, now there other people are at the end. We all keep walking down the wrong row. At first I thought he was kidding, but he mentioned it again today to LB, who of course thought it was a great idea. He suggested putting nationality flags at the end of the benches to help people walk down the right ones. He's serious. For one thing, the outside aisle barely fits two people, a flag will get in the way, and we will probably hit our heads on it. He can pay workman's comp for someone getting stabbed in the eye. Plus, we just need to pay attention. If we walk down the wrong aisle, it's our own fault. Flags are stupid.

Why I like country music

(I'm bored during my incubations, so I'm making random posts.)

I listen to country music. I like country music, a lot. Don't get me wrong, I like other kinds as well, classical, pop, rock. Don't like rap too much or the really heavy-metal-kill-your-mother-music.

A while back I watched the CMT awards. Jeff Foxworthy was the host and at the end of the show he had a monologue. It stole the show. For anyone who doesn't like country music and doesn't understand why people do they need to listen to this. Also anyone who loves country music because they will probably relate. Below is the video clip from YouTube with the words underneath. If you would like to see a clear version that's a bit easier to hear go to the CMT website.

Enjoy.

"I started thinking about why I like country music and doing
this show so much, and here's what I came up with, y'all.

I like country music because it's about the things in life that really matter. It ain't about
braggin' about how you're gonna mess somebody up, or how somebody ain't
respectin' ya. It's about love, family, friends -- with a few beers, a cheap
woman and a two-timin' man thrown in for spice.

It doesn't take political sides, even with things as ugly as war. Instead, it celebrates the brave men and women who go to fight 'em, the price they pay to do it and the longin' we have for them to return home to the ones that they love.

It's about kids and how there ain't nothin' like 'em. I get tired of hearin' about how bad kids are today, because there are a lot of great kids out there that just need somebody to love 'em and believe in 'em. Country folks love their kids and they will jack you up if you try to mess with 'em!

People in country music don't forget the people that allow them to do what they do for a livin'. They sign autographs and they take pictures with the fans because they know without 'em most of us entertainers would be gettin' a lot dirtier in the course of our workday. We are thankful that people want to hear the songs and the jokes that we write.

Country music doesn't have to be politically correct. We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

We love country music because it touches us where we live. It's about mommas, and when they were hot, and when they are unappreciated, and when they were dyin'. It's about daddies and the difficulties they have sometimes at tellin' the people that they work so hard to protect and provide for how they feel about 'em.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country.

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

All we ask for is a few songs to carry us along the way, and that's why I love this show, because it ain't some self-important Hollywood hype with the winners determined by somebody else. On this show, you decide who goes home with a trophy and you get to dance and sing along with the people that bring you the songs of your life."

Construction Traffic

Pennsylvania has got to be the state with most road construction. And right now Pittsburgh seems to be the capital. I think every conceivable route in and out of the city has road construction.

But the most amazing thing happened the other day. The highway was two lanes that eventually merged into one, so the entire way to the merge point there were signs saying "Use both lanes to merge point." Which, everyone did. But that wasn't the amazing part. Traffic never actually stopped for more than a few seconds at a time. Even though it was rush hour and construction went on for miles. At the merge point everyone was actually taking their turn, alternating cars merging into the right lane. I was stunned. People actually taking turns instead of driving tightly together so no one could merge in front of them.

I felt I needed to comment on this because people are usually stupid and cause unnecessary traffic jams. If people would just take turns things would go smoothly. And it did!

Friday frustration

I was actually going to be able to go home at a normal hour today, i.e. home by 6pm, but alas, the lab gnomes have foiled all my plans. The Central Blood Back screwed up again today. They didn't draw my buffy coat. They said if I really wanted one they could draw one this afternoon. I said it's not that I really want it, I really need it. I have recently discovered that the main reason my stuff hasn't been working for quite a while is that I need fresh dendritic cells. My frozen DCs just don't cut it. This is a wonderful discovery because now stuff is working. The downside is that now I have to process blood twice a week, which wouldn't be so bad except I have to do large experiments at the same time. I can't lose 2 days per week of experiments.

That being said, since I've been sick this week my energy has been consumed quickly so I was only going to process blood today and go home. Now the blood won't show up until around 4pm if I'm lucky. Which means I will be here until 9pm, at the earliest. I could have slept in today. But now I'm stuck here because it is pointless to take the bus home because I'd have to be back by 4pm.

To top it off, my boss apparently isn't here today. I could have left early with no hassle. One bright light, sort of, is that I don't have to come in this weekend. (Except to feed my cells but that doesn't count.) The laser is out on the microscope I use and won't be fixed until sometime next week. Downside - can't analyze my slides. Upside - don't have to come in!

Later in the day:

More frustration, so when I get back to lab from the CBI, I find out that a monkey is "being sacked as we speak" using my boss's words. It was supposed to go down next Friday. This is the second time this has happened and it's getting pretty old. I called my boss because he wanted to talk to FD or LB, neither of whom was in the lab. He was taken off guard because he didn't want to talk to me, but besides Mo I was the only other one here at the time. My boss told me that samples were coming from the facility and FD needed to talk to the vet tech to arrange a pickup here. He said if I see FD or LB to tell them whatever. I said flat out, "Well, LB doesn't come in when he isn't signed up for the hood. He's not signed up today so he probably won't be here. He hardly ever comes in on Fridays." My boss just kind of stuttered on the other end and changed the subject.

Then we went from frantically trying to get stuff done before the samples arrived to slowing down. They were putting the monkey down but snap freezing the samples so we weren't getting anything. Apparently, FD talked to the boss and told him he was tired and already had plans and wasn't going to process any tissue. And LB couldn't be found, once again he wasn't answering his phone. Surprise, surprise. The boss wanted FD to call LB and figure out what monkey is going to be put down for next week (it needs to be decided by Monday), and FD told the boss if he left a message on LB's phone then there was no reason for FD to do it. I guess the boss was pretty irritated. Good for him. It's not our problem that his golden child is never here and won't answer his phone. Why should we do his work when he's off probably smoking dope and being a bum?

Waiting . . .

I'm currently waiting for a member of my committee to set-up an experiment. He's a 1/2 hour late which is a problem because I have to set my part up before he does his part. This means that the longer he takes, the worse it will look because the cells have been in the chamber too long before starting the experiment.

I am at his mercy. It is a several hundred thousand dollar scope that is his livelihood. No one can use it but him. So I'm sitting here waiting, while my cells get unhappy.

Happy Birthday to Geeka!

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Geeka,

Happy Birthday to you!!!

Pet Owner's Day

If there isn't a "Pet Owner's Day" or "Pet Owner Appreciation Day" there should be. For the past several days all I've watched are Mother's Day commercials, mostly jewelry. Not that I want jewelery. But what about those of us who have a furry, non-human family with no intention of having children. For some reason I feel left out. I want a day.

I should be sleeping

My being sick has completely messed up my sleeping pattern. I'm sleeping most of the day so now I can't sleep at night. I should be sleeping now and I'll regret it tomorrow, uh, today, when I have to get up in 4 1/2 hours. My day will be insanely busy, blood processing, faculty candidate stuff, meeting with kiwi and potential collaborator, meeting with kiwi, and finish processing blood. I will barely have time to breathe, which will probably make me sicker. I should have been preparing for the meeting today instead of sleeping, but I just couldn't make myself do anything that involved thinking. Now I'm going to pay for it.