Preparing to write, but not yet writing

So this week I went to a class on how to format my dissertation into the electronic format our university wants. It was a class with various people from different fields. I have to wonder how some people are able to earn their degrees. Some of the questions made me want to bang my head against the desk. I even had to instruct the instructor on how to do certain things when he couldn't answer a question. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong field because I always seem to be doing computer stuff. I pick up on things very quickly. I've been asked several times if that is my major. I think though that this is a side effect of our field. We have to learn how to use computers. It's how we analyze data, it's how we write, it's how we research. We can't escape them and sometimes they are the bane of our existence.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I found myself becoming very anxious during the class and that took me by surprise. The reality of having to write. If I'm going to be done by the end of summer I need to start but I don't know how. My aims aren't even finalized. I have no publications thanks to my boss. I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety.

Lately I've even begun to doubt myself. Do I know enough to write a dissertation? Do I know enough to defend myself to a bunch of men with Ph.D.'s who think they know all? None of my committee meetings have gone very well. I often find myself thinking "You've got to be kidding me," in response to several, well, most of their comments. I'm starting to doubt whether I can do this. If I had a publication under my belt I would feel better. Also if I had a boss who supported me and was actually paying for me I'd feel better. I'm under all this pressure to finish, finish, finish. Not because I'm ready but because the money has run out. The department is now paying my stipend but I don't know how long they are going to be willing to do that. The boss is stopping Mo's funding at the end of August, and it looks like both her and I will have to register for the Fall semester because we may not be able to defend until September. That means the department will be covering both of us.

I'm just starting to freak out and I haven't even started writing yet. I worried that when I start writing I will find that I don't have enough. It would be much easier if I had solid aims but with every meeting my aims keep changing. Even in my April meeting which was supposed to be my last. It ended with no consensus on what needed to be done. Another time I will have to talk about that meeting because I still get pissed when I think about it.

And if I'm going to be done in a few months I need to start looking for a job. I don't know what to do about that. It's hard for me to make myself look when I don't even know when I'll be done.

I couldn't even make myself go to the other electronic dissertation class that was on Thursday. I told myself what is the point because by the time I write I will forget everything they tell me.

It's just for the second time in my doctoral student career I'm doubting my capabilities. I don't like it when I'm like this. The last time was when my boss almost broke me and it actually popped in my head that maybe I should quit with a master's just to get the hell out of here. It's not like me to doubt myself like that or let other people put me down. I don't like what this place is doing to me as a person. I'm grouchy, often depressed, cynical, and a lot of times rude. That's not me, I'm normally happy, optimistic, outgoing but I'm finding it harder and harder to be that way. I need to get out of here before this place, this program sucks the life completely out of me.