I am free

After I graduated last August I found myself in a situation that I've never been in before. When I graduated high school I went on to college, when I earned my BS I went on to graduate school. Throughout all that time I was employed, ready to move on to the next job when one was over. All of my life I have known what I was going to do next before I finished what I was doing. When people ask how I felt after I successfully defended, finished the revisions, and completed all the paperwork, the first word that comes to me is "free." I feel free, in more ways than one. So much runs through my mind when I say that word. It is more than a word.

I am free from the enslavement, degrading treatment, and humiliation of the past several years working for the Kiwi.

I am free to choose whatever path I want to take.

I am free to leave a job if I don't like it, I am no longer stuck.

I am free to move on with my life and find happiness again.

I am free to move forward in my relationship with Fiance.

I am free to enjoy my new close relationship with my sister.

I am free to enjoy life, my life.

I am free.

Controlling my nerves

I don't think I've ever been this nervous in my life. And I'm not defending until tomorrow. My heart has been racing and my hands are shaking. I know I shouldn't be this nervous. But I can't seem to control it.

Showing my boss my presentation

Kiwi was out of the country all last week at a conference. Today was his first day back and we met to go over my presentation for my defense Thursday. The reality of the whole thing started to get to me today. I was actually sick to my stomach this morning. No matter what everyone around here tells me, I know it isn't a "formality" with my committee. They have been so unpredictable thus far I'm not sure what's going to happen. I feel like I'm starting to accept the fact that I might not pass.

When we sat down today, the first thing I asked him was if he looked at my dissertation at all. Nope, of course not - but to be honest I wasn't that surprised. He gave his usual list of excuses, but this time he actually said he wanted to finish working on LB's manuscript to have it submitted by the end of the week. That really pissed me off. What about my manuscript! I'm the one with no publications, I'm the one with the dissertation defense coming up with a committee that's demanding a publication, I'm the one who's no longer working in the lab. He's such an ass. It just shows how low I am on his list of job priorities. Well, he's going to have to explain to my committee why it hasn't been submitted yet. He's had it for a couple months now and we told the committee it would be submitted by the end of April or early May. It's out of my hands.

Anyway, I digress. I went through the presentation. He actually had some useful comments that I'll incorporate into the presentation. He felt I needed more background information. I already have 47 slides and now I'll be adding several more. After this advice, he proceeds to tell me my presentation will have a lot of background but is weak/light on data so I should add some things that aren't in the dissertation write-up. Then he left the meeting say how good the presentation was looking and it should be good. Talk about mixed messages.

So will he get a chance to read the dissertation before my defense? Probably not. He told me he probably already knows most of what's in it. (This after he saw data in the presentation, was surprised, and said how good that would be to add to the manuscript that he's never looked at.) I reminded him I made changes based on early suggestions, and he's never actually looked at an entire chapter. So I asked him to look over that one, short chapter and the overall discussion and let me know if there is anything I shouldn't have said, or misstated, or anything that might come up that I should be prepared for my committee to target. He said OK. That means no.

I can't wait to get this done. Whether I pass or not, it will be over and I can move on with my life.

Those several other things

In the last post I mentioned there were several other things I have to do along with preparing my defense presentation. They have to do with the other job I took. (in addition for looking for a permanent job after that!). I currently have a new partial GSR in a different Center. It is a place I'm extremely interested in for a future job. I met with the Director to show him my work and what kind of things I was interested in, and to talk about a postdoc position they might have in the fall. He's also a person in a position to hear about jobs in the field I'm interested in, which I probably wouldn't find out about on my own. Well, in the course of the meeting he made the comment that it was too bad I was on another GSR because he could really use some help on an Institute he was working on. I told him that actually, my funding had ended in my PI's lab at the end of May so I actually was available. He hired me on the spot. And I love it there!! The people are wonderful and he's great. I actually was describing the position to my Mom and became choked up. I know the situation I've been in for the past several years has been horrible, but on the other hand I kind of got used to it. Now that I'm being treated like an actual human being it really shines the light on how horrible the past several years have been. I can't even describe how this new job makes me feel.

But along with it came more work, hence the other things I have to work on. It kind of increased in magnitude over the past couple weeks. First I was helping with the curriculum. Then I was helping with the lectures, then he wanted me to teach a lecture. Now he has decided that the entire Institute class will be web cast and recorded. So I have several things I need to finish for next week before class starts and my lecture on Wednesday. Teaching for him and working for him is a big deal and I don't want to mess it up. He knows a lot of people and is an amazing person to have on my resume as a recommendation, especially in the field I want to go into.

I just need to balance my time. I'm probably going to focus completely on the Institute until after Wednesday then shift over to my dissertation. It's too bad I'm only working for him until the end of July. I really love it there. It makes me want to not settle for just anything now that I'm going to be done, but get something that I enjoy, even though right now all I need is a job, any job to bring in money.

Turned in at last

I just turned in my written dissertation to all my committee members. Boy, does it feel good. And not that I'm complaining, but Kiwi never even looked at it. I gave him another copy Monday after I received a snarky comment from him about "no feedback for two weeks." Excuse me?! I do believe you were supposed to be giving me feedback! He asked me if I thought it was okay. Of course I think it is okay, well, at least good enough. He actually asked me if I had any questions for him or if I needed anything from him. Gee, it's a little late for that considering I had to give it to my committee members within the next 2 hours. I told him if he could at least read the entire thing before my defense and let me know if there is anything he thinks I should be prepared to defend or even modify that I would appreciate it.

At least it's turned it!! Now I can focus on the presentation (among several other things).

I know I've said this before

But really this time, back to blogging. I lost the spirit for a while. So many frustrations that I just didn't want to talk about it. But I feel that it's time again. I miss my blogging friends!

The changes a couple months can make. First some updates. Kiwi decided if I needed more time that I could (should) turn my dissertation write-up to my committee one week before the defense, even though they were required to have two weeks. Needless to say, it didn't happen and due to a committee member complaining he didn't have two weeks Kiwi gave in. Really, there wasn't much he could say. The rest of the committee members didn't care. They could care in the least. Kiwi wasn't happy but oh well, he isn't paying me.

So how does it stand right now? Essentially, my dissertation write-up is finished, and has been for at least a month. I gave it to Kiwi a few weeks ago but he hasn't had time to look at it OR my manuscript. In fact, he doesn't have time for my defense until the end of July. He can't manage to fit 2 hrs into his oh-so-busy schedule. He sucks. It was just a bunch of stupid excuses. Everything on his schedule is waayyy more important than my defense.

However, all is not bad. I managed to convince the appropriate people from my department that since my boss doesn't have time for me until the end of July, which is not my fault, that they need to cover my health insurance until then. They agreed. The good thing about this is that in order to qualify for health insurance they need to give me 1/4 GSR. So I get a small paycheck. Very small, but it's something. In addition, in a position which I'm going to dedicate an entire post, I have a new GSR in a different department. So I'm getting health insurance and 1/4 paycheck from my degree department and the rest of a GSR paycheck from another. Since Kiwi and the Center won't pay me, I just found someone who would. And it's something I enjoy.

So right now, everything is okay, not great, but okay. I'm just looking for job, and preparing myself for my defense, on July 31st!! Oh, and I haven't seen the Kiwi for weeks, just email correspondence. And that's not for lack of trying, he just ignores every single email in which I ask for a meeting.

I called my boss irrational

After much deliberation (which including talking to mom, Geeka, and fiance) I finally faced the reality that there was no way in heck I was going to have my dissertation written by Monday. I felt much better. However, I still had to talk to my boss. The first thing I did was call the person in the department in charge of the students. He was completely supportive, said it was no big deal. It happens more often than not. Don't rush it if I need more time to write. If anyone gives me problems, have them talk to him. I shot an email out to Kiwi telling him I had to meet with him Friday and we decided 8:45 before his day started. He had a meeting at 9:30. I spent all evening and morning thinking about what I was going to say and how I was going to say it. After interacting with his craziness for 6 years I thought I knew how he was going to react. He'd be pissed, complain and whine, insult me, but ultimately say it was my decision and it's between me and my committee, he wouldn't want a part in it.

I thought wrong. He is much crazier than I thought he was - and that's saying a lot.

This was the rational that I would use:

1 - I have been working non-stop but the reality is that 1 1/2 months is not enough time to write a dissertation from scratch. Without a manuscript to start from.
2 - I understand I will not get a stipend after May. He won't pay me. I'll deal with it because it's my decision.
3 - The committee won't care, all they want is a manuscript which had to at least be submitted by the time I defend, which it isn't. It's been on Kiwi's desk for weeks.
4 - It serves no one to turn in something that isn't done; it is a waste of every one's time.
5 - It will not affect him at all since he won't be paying me. I just have to write and schedule a meeting.

It's hard to even describe how the meeting went. He asked how it was going. I said not that great. And told him I finally faced the reality that it wouldn't be done by Monday. We argued for the next 20 minutes. Through the course of the argument I reiterated several times what I mentioned above. Here are some of his comments.

"I will not even entertain the idea."

"I recommend you don't pursue it."

"As far as I'm concerned your dissertation is on the 19th."

And the best one "I'll be there on the 19th for your defense whether you are there or not."

He had the look of a petulant child throwing a tantrum, like he's going to do it whether I like it or not.

Then he proceeded to compare me to a student who had rescheduled several times and was there 9-10 years. I just interrupted him, told him that isn't even a fair comparison. The difference is my work is done, all I'm doing is writing, and I'm pushing to leave. She wasn't.

I must say it was wonderful to call him irrational to his face, and ridiculous. I'm just glad I've developed self-control over the past few years with him. There was A LOT worse running through my head.

Finally, he said turn it in next Friday instead of Monday - which I should be able to do. But I never actually verbally agreed to it. Then I asked him why in the last email he sent me he said the manuscript had to be completely reworked. We went through it, he's only scanned it so far. I asked him if he looked at the part of the dissertation discussion I sent him a couple days ago. He hadn't. I made him open it and go over it with me. I made him 1/2 hour late for his meeting. I don't care. If he was going to be such an ass, he was going to give me CONSTRUCTIVE feedback on what I sent him.

Grrrrr.... I went and vented to Geeka. We calm each other and prevent the other from harming people.

Of all the scenarios I ran through my head that was not one of them. And at the end of the meeting he had to sign the GSR letter stating I will get paid the month of May. He looked at it - "What's this," "What does it say?" and proceeded to read it. It is the same letter he has signed for every student since before I was there - every semester. Like I was hiding something in it!

He's gone next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday so I scheduled a meeting with him Thursday morning.

I can't wait to get the hell out of here. Oh - I told him that too. If he thought I was making the decision lightly about rescheduling I wasn't, I want to be out of here and get this done more than anyone. I want to move on with my life.

Dissertation RBOC

I am officially at the I-don't-think-I-can-do-this stage.

I still have 50 pages to write minimum, and finalize this by the end of the weekend.

My boss is being an ass, decided he wants to look at the dissertation today, but I'm not done. So let's see if I can write those 50 pages by tomorrow morning.

The manuscript won't be done by the time I defend, all of a sudden the entire thing needs to be reworked and rewritten. And Kiwi doesn't have time to do it before then. We told my committee it would be submitted. I just think he doesn't want to take time to look at it now.

I still haven't looked for a job.

I find myself thinking of sleep more and more.

Realized today that the student before me got away with using very large font and double spacing the reference section.

This whole process isn't worth it, there's more to life than this. Feel like I wasted 6 years of my life.

Recipe: Mix a pinch of sleep, some anxiety, and a lot stress. Bake in front of a committee for 2 hours. Get one serving of fried me.

It finally feels real

After 5 meetings with individual committee members, countless emails and phone calls, and lots of paperwork . . . . . . ready?? . . . . . tah-dah!! . . . a defense date!! May 19th, 3pm.

I can finally move on with my life. Woooo-hooooo!!!!
It comes with excitement and a wonderful sense of peace.

Best way to format my dissertation ??

I thought I knew how I was going to put my dissertation together. Not anymore. I had a meeting with Kiwi on Friday and he seems to have changed his mind, but he hasn't convinced me yet that this is the best plan. So over the past 6 years my project has been rather all-over-the-board. Every committee meeting my third aim changed. That wouldn't be so bad but I've spent months and months (years) going in various directions, only to have either hit dead ends, or was stopped by Kiwi before I could finish a series of experiments. Thus, I have a lot of experiments (i.e., series of experiments) that were never finished.

I also have nopublication. Kiwi decided a long time ago he wanted my entire dissertation in one manuscript. I tried to change his mind several times but never succeeded. Now he has put me a hard situation. We are writing this manuscript and are leaving several pieces out as 'data not shown." Here's the tricky part, I want to show the DNS in my dissertation. I also have to divide my dissertation into chapters. The standard is to use publications as chapters, which kind of follow your aims. Well, I will have one manuscript which contains ALL of my aims. I can't just have one chapter. So we decided that we were going to break up the manuscript into three chapters, following my three aims and include everything we left out. Sounded good to me! But he's had a change of heart. Now he wants me to focus on my manuscript because of the committee, insert it as Chapter 1, which will encompass all my aims, add the DNS in the appendix, and "make-up" a fourth aim. Yes, you heard me right. That is why I'm here on a Sunday, instead of working comfortably from my apartment. I'm pouring through 5-6 years worth of lab work, a lot of which was never finished, trying to come up with a 4th aim. I was venting to FD and we both agree this is a colossal waste of my time. Kiwi said he hears me say how I've done a lot of work so why not include it in a fourth aim, which yeah, I have, but he's stopped most of it. Now my 'homework' for the weekend is to see if I can make my experiments that were 'not publishable' and didn't work as 'we wanted' fit coherently into another aim. And he said I'll have to figure out some way to explain 'around the data' during my defense as to why this should be included in the thesis since it isn't publishable.

Grrr.

So, I have three days total to 'make-up' a 4th aim, finish my manuscript figures, write figure legends, and finish my methods and results. My series of meetings with my committee members starts Tuesday afternoon and since my committee doesn't care about "aims" I'm only going to talk about my manuscript. But I need the fourth ready in case they want to know if there is 'anything else' besides the manuscript.

And I still need to figure out what the last component of the manuscript means. The data didn't turn as we expected. Which isn't a bad thing. Except now I have to explain it which I'm having trouble doing, and Kiwi doesn't know either. And since it's the last major part, I just know that's what the committee is going to question. When my dissertation became a 'cell biology' project it started being out of my element. I've never even had a cell biology class!!

Just too much

I haven't written in a long time. Really, the reason is that I'm just a bit too overloaded. When I think about writing my brain practically explodes from the things that are running through my mind. Just sooo much stuff to talk and think about. I'll just have to take it in small pieces. After a short crying spell last night I've calmed down and now I'm trying to take control of a situation that has fallen under the vices of others, namely my committee members.

I came back from Christmas break with optimism about what I had left to do. I had everything planned out, I even processed blood two times in preparation. Then everything changed after an email that Kiwi sent me out of the blue, it came after an email requesting a meeting. Here is the main excerpt:

"I cannot buy any more supplies for your studies, which are now not funded,
and the Center needs to stop funding your salary as they are overextended."

After that, all work essentially stopped. I panicked at first thinking that meant next month (Feb) but I found that "as soon as possible" meant April. But now after the past week, I'll be here through May, defending mid-May. That's it. No more. No options. I'm extremely
upset that I won't be done at the end of April because that means I'm just going to miss the graduation deadline.

There's a lot more to this story, which I probably talk about as I have to take breaks or vent in the next few months. But right now I'm a bit overwhelmed because I have to write an entire dissertation and manuscript in two months because of the demands of my committee.

I have so much running through my brain right now that I'm probably rambling, which is why I haven't posted. But maybe if I start typing again those thoughts will become a bit more ordered.

More experiments

Sometimes I think it will never end. I have just a few experiments left, so I thought. Then I met with my boss today. Like I mentioned before, overall the departmental retreat went very well. My data was well received. One part I didn't focus on, because I was hoping after a few days if I didn't mention anything my boss would forget. Well, he didn't forget.

At the retreat were two of my committee members, Scope Man and Friend of Scope Man. Scope Man had a long talk with Kiwi before Kiwi even gave his presentation because Kiwi whipped out his computer to show Scope Man what we had. And Friend of Scope Man talked to both Kiwi and I after his presentation. The result - lots of suggestions of experiments I should do next. Easy in theory, and I stress in theory. But aren't all experiments that way. Things are never as easy as they sound and appear on paper. What I can't get my boss to understand is that just because other researchers have used a particular technique I will be using this same technique in a way it's never been used before. It might not work. In fact, I think this whole new series of experiments might lead to a dead end, but I'm afraid to think of that.

The other unfortunate thing, in order to run all these new experiments I have to learn how to use a new cytometer. I'm hoping it won't take too long to get the hang of it. I know flow and how collecting and analyzing events works, I know all the ins-and-outs of flow (I was dubbed Flow Goddess by our old lab manager! And the Goddess thing boosts my spirit.). But the software for this cytometer is completely different. Kiwi wanted me to stay with the machine I use now and didn't like the idea of my using a different cytometer. Then I broke the experiment down into smaller pieces and made him understand that for what my committee wanted to learn, I had to use this new cytometer that uses more colors. I had wanted to defend in December but now, I don't think that will happen. I really, really wanted to be done before Christmas. But it looks like I may not be done until January or February. But neither of us mentioned this during our meeting today.

To be honest, I really don't care too much as long as I'm done by April 2008 graduation and as long as I get paid. That last part is the iffy one, finishing by April 2008 is the easy one. I hate talking about funding with Kiwi, it is such a touchy subject. I think I'll give myself to the end of October to see how much I have done (and the likelihood I'll be finished with all experiments by then is slim, the end of November looks more likely), then I'll talk to Kiwi about an actual completion date and setting more limits to my experiments. I hate having to stress about funding when it's supposed to be his responsibility. He never should have hired a postdoc when he can't even care for his own students.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever get done. I wonder if my committee will ever let me leave, or more importantly, agree to let me leave before my funding is cut.

UPDATE:
Forgot one thing, all those images I made last week, that took the entire week to make, we decided today that they would look better if I did them in a different way. So they all have to be redone. When am I going to do this, on top of all the experiments he just decided that I need to do? Don't ask me. I have no idea.

Preparing to write, but not yet writing

So this week I went to a class on how to format my dissertation into the electronic format our university wants. It was a class with various people from different fields. I have to wonder how some people are able to earn their degrees. Some of the questions made me want to bang my head against the desk. I even had to instruct the instructor on how to do certain things when he couldn't answer a question. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong field because I always seem to be doing computer stuff. I pick up on things very quickly. I've been asked several times if that is my major. I think though that this is a side effect of our field. We have to learn how to use computers. It's how we analyze data, it's how we write, it's how we research. We can't escape them and sometimes they are the bane of our existence.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I found myself becoming very anxious during the class and that took me by surprise. The reality of having to write. If I'm going to be done by the end of summer I need to start but I don't know how. My aims aren't even finalized. I have no publications thanks to my boss. I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety.

Lately I've even begun to doubt myself. Do I know enough to write a dissertation? Do I know enough to defend myself to a bunch of men with Ph.D.'s who think they know all? None of my committee meetings have gone very well. I often find myself thinking "You've got to be kidding me," in response to several, well, most of their comments. I'm starting to doubt whether I can do this. If I had a publication under my belt I would feel better. Also if I had a boss who supported me and was actually paying for me I'd feel better. I'm under all this pressure to finish, finish, finish. Not because I'm ready but because the money has run out. The department is now paying my stipend but I don't know how long they are going to be willing to do that. The boss is stopping Mo's funding at the end of August, and it looks like both her and I will have to register for the Fall semester because we may not be able to defend until September. That means the department will be covering both of us.

I'm just starting to freak out and I haven't even started writing yet. I worried that when I start writing I will find that I don't have enough. It would be much easier if I had solid aims but with every meeting my aims keep changing. Even in my April meeting which was supposed to be my last. It ended with no consensus on what needed to be done. Another time I will have to talk about that meeting because I still get pissed when I think about it.

And if I'm going to be done in a few months I need to start looking for a job. I don't know what to do about that. It's hard for me to make myself look when I don't even know when I'll be done.

I couldn't even make myself go to the other electronic dissertation class that was on Thursday. I told myself what is the point because by the time I write I will forget everything they tell me.

It's just for the second time in my doctoral student career I'm doubting my capabilities. I don't like it when I'm like this. The last time was when my boss almost broke me and it actually popped in my head that maybe I should quit with a master's just to get the hell out of here. It's not like me to doubt myself like that or let other people put me down. I don't like what this place is doing to me as a person. I'm grouchy, often depressed, cynical, and a lot of times rude. That's not me, I'm normally happy, optimistic, outgoing but I'm finding it harder and harder to be that way. I need to get out of here before this place, this program sucks the life completely out of me.