My Internal Dialog

Ambitious Self: I really need to work this Saturday and Sunday.

Procrastinating Self: Yeah, but you've been so tired lately you need to take a day off.

Ambitious Self: But the Kiwi has been gone for two weeks and expects me to have a lot done for our 2 hour meeting next Friday.

Procrastinating Self: Okay, work Saturday but take Sunday off. You need at least one day.

Ambitious Self: But the stupid Center is shutting down the hoods on Monday so I can't do an experiment, so I should work Sunday.

Procrastinating Self: So what, that's not your fault. You can use that day to work on the figures the Kiwi wants you to have done for next Friday.

Ambitious Self: Hmm, you have a good point. I haven't made time for that yet - but I can't work on the figures if I don't have the experiments completed. I could work on them during my incubation periods.

Procrastinating Self: You always say that but it never happens. Your incubation times are too short for you to accomplish anything, and your experiments are too long.

Ambitious Self: But it's a TWO hour meeting. I need to have a lot of stuff to show him.

Procrastinating Self: It doesn't matter how much you have. He won't be happy with it anyway.

Ambitious Self: I really should work on Sunday.

Procrastinating Self: You know you won't. Just face it, stay home, sleep in.

Ambitious Self: But I'll feel guilty for not getting done what I need to get done.

Procrastinating Self: So what.

Ambitious Self: Why should I listen to you? It's your fault I don't have this stuff done already. I haven't done much the past week and a half the Kiwi's been gone. If I hadn't listened to you all this stuff would be done by now and I wouldn't be in this predicament.

Procrastinating Self: You work best under pressure.

Ambitious Self: I really should work Sunday.

Procrastinating Self: We'll see.

Ambitious Self: Yeah, We'll see.

To be continued . . .. . .

I'll agree with this.

This is probably why Geeka and I get along so well.

Your Score: Dr. Lisa Cuddy

50% Eccentricity, 45% Confidence, 60% Kindness

Congratulations, you're Dr. Lisa Cuddy! You've got a healthy balance of confidence, kindness, and general oddity (because asking a person who works for you to stick a needle in your butt is odd, no matter how hot he may be). You're probably an excellent leader with a good sense of humor. You also probably have a vulnerable side that not many people know about.

Link: The House, MD Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Digital camera advice?

Okay, so I'm extremely anal when shopping for something expensive or that I would consider an investment. I've been saving money up for compact digital camera and now I have enough. But I'm having trouble decided between three of them:

1. Sony Cybershot DSC-T100
2. Canon SD1000
3. Canon PowerShot SD850 IS

If anyone has used any of these cameras can you let me know how you like it. I'm looking for one with a short shutter lag, takes good quality pictures in outdoor and indoor lighting, and is compact. All of these seem to fit the bill and I can't make up my mind. I know I'm obsessing a bit much but I know that I'll have this for a long, long time and want to get the right one.

Any input? I know the chances are slim that anyone actually has one of these since there are so many out there but I had to ask.

I'm back

Well, almost, to the regular schedule thing. I've been putting off doing regular work for awhile. I'm not sick anymore, still coughing because of my pain-in-the-butt asthma but oh well. I can't use illness as a reason not to do work. Lately, it's been easy to come up with reasons not to do work. I know I'm getting burned out but now it's time to go back.

It's not so bad really. The kiwi boss man is gone on a holiday. Won't be back until the second week in August. And LB is on a month's long vacation. On one had, we are all pissed because he can take all the time he wants off. On the other hand, he's not here, which is great. So right now it's not so bad going to work. We don't mind it as much because the two people in the lab (Kiwi and LB) are gone. And no, they aren't on vacation together.

Some updates:

• Ding is back from maternity leave.
• I'm finally going to get my name on a paper, other than a review. I did some microscope work for Mo.
• Had lunch with my class, all the people who came in the same time as me. But that will be another post, lots of issues there.
• Started golf lessons. A reason to get out on the weekend, instead of sleep or work. And I must say, I did awesome!
• My tomato garden is really taking off. Blossoms are starting to show.
• I get to start working on my first author paper. I have to have the layout of my figures worked out for when Kiwi comes back.

Other than that, not too much has been going on. It's been really slow around here.

It's nice to be back blogging! Now I have to catch up on reading my favorites.

Safety measures, yeah right

So I mentioned that we had a Center wide meeting, that lasted 10 minutes, about the tissue culture rooms. I want to reiterate how stupid and pointless this meeting was.

Right now there are two hood rooms, my lab brought over three hoods with two in one room and one in another room. The room with one hood we can no longer use. It has been designated "infectious aerosol virus" room. One of the other labs works with a virus that can infect people via inhalation. A bad virus. So they now have that hood room to themselves.

The safety level is designated BSL2+, which for those of you not familiar, this uses the safety precautions of BSL3 lab in a BSL2 environment. The important thing to note here is that there are NO double doors. There is no double entry. The way it should be for this virus is when they are done working with it, they leave the hood room into an intermediate room, remove their PPE, then leave that room into the outside environment. This way the risk of virus escaping the room is minimal.

Of course, that's ideal. And the brand new facility isn't exactly ready to work with viruses like this. There is no double room. The instructions are that when they are working on this virus they must wear their PPE, including and N95 respirator and post a sign on the outside of the door. When finished, they take off their respirators, leave the room, and set a timer on the door for 30 minutes. It takes 30 minutes for the virus to dissipate from the air and it will be safe to enter the room without a respirator. That is the exact order.

Think about this - remove the respirator then leave the room. What point is there in that. And not permit anyone in the room for 30 min. It's unsafe for 30 minutes, yet they can immediately open the door when they are done to the outside environment. Technically, they should have to stay in that room for 30 min with their respirator on, then take their respirator off, then leave the room.

Oh, the respirators are also supposed to be stored outside the room in the hallway. Because the lab manager said that there should be no infectious virus in the respirator. Wait a minute - am I missing something? Isn't the respirator supposed to block virus from being inhaled? Meaning there is a good likelihood there is virus on the filter?

So, in this 10 minute meeting - we learned the "proper and safe" way to utilize the new room when infectious virus is in use. Boy, I feel safe.

Time to go back

Tomorrow I have to go back to start experiments again. I have a meeting with my boss that I've managed to put off until Friday but I don't have much done. I have this underlying sense of anxiety because I know I should have A LOT done by now. But on the other hand, I just don't care. One reason I've had such a hard time getting back to work is because of the type of experiments I have to do. They can last up to 12-14 hours, and I can't shorten them. Which is long enough to work everyday but seems virtually impossible lately since I've been sick.

The problem I'm having is that this cold has bothered my asthma. I had a cold like this a few years ago, where even after the cold was gone I had lingering asthma problems for weeks. And I know that this is one of the same colds. I'm still not completely better but I'm sooo tired because I'm not sleeping. As soon as I start to fall asleep I cough and wake up. I don't know how I'm going to make it through the day tomorrow.

I went to work yesterday for a little bit. We had a Center meeting for all the postdocs, research associates, and grad students about the tissues cultures rooms. I was so pissed because the meeting lasted less than 10 minutes. They spend more time talking about why there was fruit instead of cookies at the seminars instead of the tissue culture rooms. I was actually happy there was fruit but apparently, fat and sugar is what people want. As someone said, the cookies keep people coming, as you know, compared to the person giving the seminar.

I stayed home today because I was so tired. Also I had the excuse that all over the news they kept saying that the air quality was extremely bad today and those people with lung conditions and the elderly should stay inside. I would have had an even harder time breathing.

But it's supposed to rain tonight and the air is supposed to be better tomorrow. I know I'll be exhausted but I need to go anyway. I keep telling myself that my boss is going on vacation on the 20th. If I can last that long I'll take time off if I still need it. I also can't help thinking that LB is taking a months vacation, so why the heck should I feel guilty taking time off when I'm sick.

Made it to work

I did make it to work today to process my blood so I have cells to work with next week. It almost wasn't worth it though because my yield was terrible. I got enough for about 1 1/2 experiments. Which I guess is better than nothing.

I'm finally starting to feel a slight improvement. My appetite is good, I'm not coughing as much, and I can talk now, even if I sound like a frog. I just wish I wasn't so tired. It's still giving me problems with my asthma, though. I've been wheezing a bit which is why I'm coughing now. I couldn't get my allergy shots this week because they won't give them to me if I'm wheezing.

My fiance cooked on the grill this evening. It was beautiful outside. The sun was setting, we were in the shade, and a breeze was blowing. The only thing that would have made it better would have been if we were out in the countryside, not on the edge of the city.

I'm looking forward to this weekend, the weather is supposed to be nice and I'm going to rest a lot. Tomorrow my cousin is having a graduation party back home but I decided just to send a card. I need to rest and the drive is about 2 hours each way. He won't mind. I'll still send him money in a card!

I hate summer colds

So I've been sick. The symptoms started last Wednesday. I was going home Friday for the 4th of July (since it was on a Wednesday we celebrated on the weekend, it was easier for everyone). I know when a bad cold is coming on and I just knew. So I called my doctor on Thursday for a prescription, yes, I know, antibiotics don't help when it's a virus. But the past few times I haven't had any luck in getting rid of it without help, so I wanted to hit it before it came on hard. Well, I didn't get the prescription until Saturday morning, actually two, amoxicillen and hydrocodone for the cough but it was too late. It already hit me hard. I had no voice, was exhausted, and coughed a lot. It was bothering my asthma.

Unfortunately, I'm still sick. The only thing I could keep down yesterday was some broth and that wasn't until late in the evening. As a result, I've missed a lot of work, the end of last week and ALL of this week. What compounds it is that the week prior I didn't get anything done because the cytometer was broken and I had to toss my cells because of an unwanted virus infection. I've lost half a month. I wanted a break but not this way. This isn't rejuvenating. Pardon my language, but this just sucks. The amoxicillin is useless and the hydrocodone works to stop the coughing but it makes me feel 'funny.' Now that I'm pressured to get a lot done to graduate I can't afford to take this much time off. I was only able to drag myself to work to process blood so I have cells to do experiments.

I'm starting to feel extremely discouraged, more than usual. I remember two months ago I was telling my parents that I should be done with experiments by the end of June. Before that we were hoping I'd graduate in June, then it was moved to the end of summer, now it is moved to early fall. I feel like I'm running out of time. What if I can't get done by December? I have no choice because Kiwi isn't paying for me anymore, the department is. The reality didn't hit until I received confirmation of my registration for the fall.

I'm not even to the point where I can write yet. My boss doesn't even want me to work on a publication yet. I'm starting to, as geeka puts it "falling into a deep pit of despair."

Supplies in

Little things make me happy. Today I got a new timer. Yes, my old timer could time four different things at the same time, and this one can only do one. But I've dropped my old one too many times, trying to carry too much stuff at once and rushing around. If I move it wrong or set it on the desk too hard it resets. I have lost track of too many experiments too many times. The way I see it, I can still use my old one for multiple timing, I'll just leave in on my bench and not touch it. The time that will go off first I'll use my new one. It's great! It's super thin, the buttons are covered by flip top, and it's like a key chain so I can clip it to my jeans.

I also got a new stand for the biohazard bag by my desk. Because of the way the labs were organized when we moved we were one stand short. So our old lab manager ordered a new one but it was the wrong size. I've been sharing with LB. Who NEVER changes the bag. Not that he does that much work. But when he does he fills the bag with blue diapers. I will not take out his crap. He'll fill it until it's ready to overflow. So now I have my own. I put the old one by his bench.

There are benefits to having to place orders while Ding is gone.

I also ordered boxes of biohazard bags for each hood room and where the benches are located. We aren't supposed to be taking things out of each of the BSL2+ rooms but we have been because we don't have enough stuff. I got tired of it and ordered more. And those boxes are heavy! So I took them all to the hood rooms, even ripped off the top of the boxes for easy access, with my bare hands because scissors could not be found. They seem to have walked away. Anyway, while I'm moving all this stuff, the boss sticks his head in the hood room and says "You're getting a good workout today," like I don't do anything any other time. I just stared at him. Yes, I can do manual labor. Does he see anyone else doing it around here? Even with a bad shoulder and possibly a broken finger I'm still doing it. So he can get that stupid grin off his face. I thought he was going to yell at me for not gowning up in the room and wearing sandals. Because he did look at my feet. But noooo, all he commented on was that I was doing manual labor.

My first meme

This is my first meme. I've been tagged by Dr. Brazen Hussy who lately has been posting really cute kitten pictures.

Rules

• I have to post these rules before I give you the facts.
• Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
• People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
• At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
• Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog

Random Facts

1. I've gone swimming with a tiger cub. One the most memorable moments of my life.


2. I love fresh tomatoes, especially out of the garden. I love tomato sauce. But I don't like chunks of tomatoes in my tomato sauce. I think it's because I don't like stewed tomatoes and cooked chunks of tomatoes are too much like stewed tomatoes. Is that weird?


3. I always wanted an older brother, but that wasn't going to happen.


4. I like to cross-stitch, draw, and paint.


5. I just bought a new set of golf clubs, ones that are the right size. The first set I bought were too long, I didn't know any better. And the dude at Dick's who sold them to me obviously knew nothing. Never buy golf clubs from Dick's.


6. Hardwood floors are nice but I miss carpet. Carpet catches cat hair so I don't have cat hair tumbleweeds blowing across the floor. Right after it's been swept.


7. My real hair color is brown.


8. I've been in school since preschool. I've never taken time off. Summers don't count.

Now, I'm supposed to tag 8 people but the problem is I haven't been surfing the blogs long enough to know that many people to tag. So, I think I'm just going to randomly pick people from the blogroll's of people I do know! Ones that I've been reading on and off. Hopefully they won't mind and I'm not breaking some blog etiquette. If they feel like doing it fine, if not, that's okay too.

Here we go - Geeka507, Kisha, ScienceGeek, Am I a woman scientist?, Profgrrrrl, The PhD Explosion, A Natural Scientist, and YoungFemaleScientist. Have fun!

Random updates

As I'm sitting here waiting for my timer to go off, I realize that during the time I was MIA on my blog a few things of note have happened.

• Ding, our lab tech (our ONLY lab tech) had her baby early. Only a couple weeks early so the baby was fine. Our boss was going to visit her but never got around to it. She lives near me so I'm going to deliver her a care package. I wanted to give her some time to settle in with the baby first before I came barging in.


• My boss got a puppy. Just what he needs. Now he leaves early to take the puppy out. He really should be a stay-at-home parent. He doesn't balance family very well with work. Not well at all. His wife wears the pants in the family so he has to work around her schedule. Right now she's gone to a conference or something back in his home country - and left him behind. Hee-hee!


• He hired a post-doc. Our mission to thwart him has failed. Mainly because we never met this one, neither has he. Kiwi doesn't have enough money to bring the post-doc for a visit (he's in another country) so he hired him sight-unseen. Great, just great. He's not coming until the fall so I hope I'm gone by the time he gets here.

I know there's more but beep-beep-beep, I have to go.

Another reason to get done

Geeka will appreciate this. So will Geeka507.

I decided today that I need to get done before I permanently injure myself or break something. Again. I wore a dark purple shirt today. When I got to work only then did I realize that it matched my finger. About the only thing I can do with my finger that doesn't cause pain is type, because the end of it is kind of numb.

I have cut myself with a broken coverslip, cracked my head off an incubator door, gotten an unidentifiable rash on my arm, gotten blisters on my toes, and smashed my finger. And this is just in the past few weeks. You don't want to know what's happened in the past few years. It seems the longer I am a grad student the more that is happening to me.

It is extremely difficult to remove pipettes from rappers, uncap reagents and flasks, and so forth when I can't use my pointer finger. And I have to be careful because I'm working in the hood with blood and everything has to remain sterile.

So now that I'm done with blood I quit. No more today. I have microscopy data to analyze and more experiments to plan but I'm not going to do it. I'm going home. Before something else happens because I can't work properly.

I'm starting to wonder if I'm cursed. Or if there is a grad student curse. The longer a student seems to remain a student I notice the more physical ailments they have. And it's not just me!

Typing with one hand.

So this is the end of a completely unproductive work day. I got up early this morning, as mentioned in the previous post so I could get work done and go home early. Now I get to go home early with no work done.

Earlier today I went to sign up for the flow cytometer. A technician was performing a tune-up with the machine wide-open. I able to see the sign-up sheet but not reach it. I couldn't get on until 6pm. I was going to leave a note on the computer to sign me up when the tech was done but didn't have time because the fire alarm went off and evacuation of the building was ordered.

I went back later to write my name in so the last person wouldn't turn the machine off. The rep was still working on the cytometer. I had baaad feelings. So I went to track down the people who are in charge of the machine to see what was going on. When I went in their office the large, heavy, I repeat heavy, metal door smashed closed on my finger. The end of my pointer finger is now red and purple and almost twice the size it should be. I'm keeping it in ice to try a stop the swelling. It doesn't bend properly. I can't use it very well.

So not only is my finger smashed, my experiment is ruined. All my cells and time have gone to waste. I'm more pissed about the time. I have to run the cells the same day as I run the experiment or they aren't any good. So I've just completely wasted a day.

Maybe I should just forget about my good intentions of getting up early to get work done and get home early. It just backfired.

I'm going home.

An explanation

I feel like I need to explain why I haven't posted in such a long time. It's not because interesting, ridiculous things haven't been happening. Many times I have thought "Damn, this would be a great post" or "I can't wait to talk about this!" But alas, experiments have gotten the best of me lately.

I feel like I have been getting up, going to lab, working, going home, sleeping, then repeating the same cycle over and over again. With some eating here and there. Actually, it didn't just feel that way, it was that way. On the weekends when I finally had some time to relax and spend with family (both cats & people) I couldn't bring myself to turn my computer on. One reason was I can't seem to turn it on without checking my email. I didn't want to check my email because I didn't want to hear from work. The only weekend I actually got on my computer was when I went home to my parents house for my dad's birthday/father's day. I needed to show him somethings on my computer - and dial-up is so slow at home that I didn't bother logging on.

Here is an illustration of how slow the Internet connection is. And it isn't because DSL has spoiled me. They live so far off the main line it is verrrry slow. A program that took me 7 minutes to download at my apartment took over 4 hours. It was sooo frustrating because we got my dad an iPod nano and I was trying to download iTunes. He couldn't use it until I got the software. Then we had to format it for a Windows computer, which it wouldn't even do because it took so long the program would timeout. I had to bring it back with me and it literally took less than a minute to do at work. Now I have to go back this coming weekend to return his iPod and teach him how to use it.

So today I renew my commitment to write. It also helps that I could have actually been home by 6:30pm this evening. But nooooo. I couldn't get on the cytometer until after 6pm. I'll be lucky if I'm home by 8pm.

My volume is dirty.

This is a new one for me. I turned my computer on and it told me that my volume is dirty, okay, the exact words were "the volume is dirty." It then proceeded to go through several checks. I'm still not exactly sure what it was doing. It was eerily similar to the 'blue screen of death.' But a different screen, and a different blue.

It sounds funny just saying it - my volume is dirty.

Reasons why I hate today

• I stabbed my finger with a broken coverslip. FD extracted it but it hurts to do anything. I can't wear a band aid because I can't get the glove over it. It is still bleeding because I'm using it. And throbbing.
• It is now pouring outside. A downpour. Mo jinxed me, she said it was no longer supposed to rain today. Now I have to walk down the street to pick up my blood to process. I told her I should make her do it.
• I put the wrong antibody on my slides. Last night I blocked my slides with a Fab fragment before adding the second primary antibody which is the same species as the first primary antibody. I put on the first secondary again. So I just washed it and added the second primary without blocking again. It better work.
• I don't have time to analyze my data before my lab meeting tomorrow. Because I messed up the slide procedure it took twice as long as it should have.
• It's freezing in here. We now have to wear lab coats all the time but I'm wearing a sweater instead, the coat is too thin.
• I'm starving. I don't know if it's because of the long hours I've been working but I've been ravenous these past couple days.
• The air conditioner is confirmed broken at home. And since we have to close the windows because of the rain it is going to be very uncomfortable. Once I finally make it home.
• I have a sore spot on my head from where it collided with the incubator door yesterday, rather hard I might add.
• I'm tired.

Update:

• This is the punishment I get for multi-tasking. I had three flow assays for today. One completely stained on Tuesday. One fixed yesterday and stained today. One fixed and stained today. While I was transferring the cells from the 96-well plates to the FACS tubes I put one of my positives controls in the tube of another experiment's controls. I don't know if I'll be able to salvage them. At least I didn't screw up the really big experiment from today. Yet.
• At this rate maybe I'll be home by 1am only to be back here at 7:30am to finish processing blood before the necropsy samples arrive. Maybe I can talk my boss into moving our 3pm meeting to Monday so I can go home and sleep.
• I'm still tired.

Slurp, sigh, pause

There is the older Indian guy that works on our floor. I don't know who is and I don't really care. All I know is - he's odd and rude. He cuts people off to get through doors first. He walks past people like they don't exist. And he has crazy hair, long white roots with tan/brown ends. Very distinctive. I asked Mo if I talked about that Indian dude with the funky hair did she know who I meant and she knew right away.

Anyway, I finally had time to eat lunch around 2:30pm. The first break all day and since it was so late I had the break room all to myself. It is a corner room with windows for walls. We are on one the higher floors so there is a wonderful view. The sun was shining, I was trying to read. Then here comes this guy who fills a paper cup with water from the sink to drink. Guess the water from the fountain wasn't good enough. Then he walked over to the windows, stood beside me and proceeded to slurp his water. Slurp, sigh, pause - slurp, sigh, pause. It drove me nuts! I just stared at him, but he never turned around. I would have said something but I had pretty much finished my lunch and my timer was going to go off anyway. He probably would have ignored me anyway.

I can still hear the slurping in my head. Slurp, sigh, pause - slurp, sigh, pause.

Thought I would have been lower than that

The Dante's Inferno Test has sent you to Purgatory!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very High
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Moderate
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Moderate
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Moderate
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test

Preparing to write, but not yet writing

So this week I went to a class on how to format my dissertation into the electronic format our university wants. It was a class with various people from different fields. I have to wonder how some people are able to earn their degrees. Some of the questions made me want to bang my head against the desk. I even had to instruct the instructor on how to do certain things when he couldn't answer a question. Sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong field because I always seem to be doing computer stuff. I pick up on things very quickly. I've been asked several times if that is my major. I think though that this is a side effect of our field. We have to learn how to use computers. It's how we analyze data, it's how we write, it's how we research. We can't escape them and sometimes they are the bane of our existence.

Anyway, I'm getting off topic. I found myself becoming very anxious during the class and that took me by surprise. The reality of having to write. If I'm going to be done by the end of summer I need to start but I don't know how. My aims aren't even finalized. I have no publications thanks to my boss. I'm starting to feel a lot of anxiety.

Lately I've even begun to doubt myself. Do I know enough to write a dissertation? Do I know enough to defend myself to a bunch of men with Ph.D.'s who think they know all? None of my committee meetings have gone very well. I often find myself thinking "You've got to be kidding me," in response to several, well, most of their comments. I'm starting to doubt whether I can do this. If I had a publication under my belt I would feel better. Also if I had a boss who supported me and was actually paying for me I'd feel better. I'm under all this pressure to finish, finish, finish. Not because I'm ready but because the money has run out. The department is now paying my stipend but I don't know how long they are going to be willing to do that. The boss is stopping Mo's funding at the end of August, and it looks like both her and I will have to register for the Fall semester because we may not be able to defend until September. That means the department will be covering both of us.

I'm just starting to freak out and I haven't even started writing yet. I worried that when I start writing I will find that I don't have enough. It would be much easier if I had solid aims but with every meeting my aims keep changing. Even in my April meeting which was supposed to be my last. It ended with no consensus on what needed to be done. Another time I will have to talk about that meeting because I still get pissed when I think about it.

And if I'm going to be done in a few months I need to start looking for a job. I don't know what to do about that. It's hard for me to make myself look when I don't even know when I'll be done.

I couldn't even make myself go to the other electronic dissertation class that was on Thursday. I told myself what is the point because by the time I write I will forget everything they tell me.

It's just for the second time in my doctoral student career I'm doubting my capabilities. I don't like it when I'm like this. The last time was when my boss almost broke me and it actually popped in my head that maybe I should quit with a master's just to get the hell out of here. It's not like me to doubt myself like that or let other people put me down. I don't like what this place is doing to me as a person. I'm grouchy, often depressed, cynical, and a lot of times rude. That's not me, I'm normally happy, optimistic, outgoing but I'm finding it harder and harder to be that way. I need to get out of here before this place, this program sucks the life completely out of me.

Might be an experiment free week

So I'm still pissed at LB, he sent me an email saying several things, among which I am now "discourteous" and ended the email with 'have a pleasant weekend.' Not to mince words, I wanted to rip his passive aggressive, arrogant, stupid face off. I was once accused of being passive aggressive, so he's also a hypocrite. And as anyone who knows me can tell you, I can be aggressive (or I like to say assertive) and definitely I'm never passive.

Anyway, there is a necrospy tomorrow. Well, I guess today because his monkey is too sick to last until Friday. It's his own fault his monkey's are dying so fast. I was tempted to run 5 minutes late again, this time on purpose just to piss him off. Instead I decided why should I get up early to get done before the samples get there. I no longer do experiments on Fridays that have necropsy's. Why should Mondays be any different? Should I feel guilty using the necropsy as an excuse not to work? I don't think so. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't do the proper prep work for Monday so I'd have to get there waaay too early to be done by 11am.

On the downside, my entire week is pretty much shot before it gets started.

Monday: no experiments, analyze data, using necropsy as an excuse.

Tuesday: no experiments, have to attend a class on how to write an electronic dissertation. And set up for Wednesday.

Wednesday: process blood, maybe do experiment I set up the day before. Haven't decided if I should go to the newly scheduled department meeting. If I do, my day is shot.

Thursday: probably no experiments this day either, promised a master's student I would attend her exam practice because she didn't pass it the first time. Normally I skip these things but Kdog suggested she talk to me and she actually asked me personally instead of just sending me an email. I feel obligated to help.

Friday: blood in morning, and yet another necropsy, designated data analysis day, if I have any. Maybe lit review, which I haven't done in a while.

And just a short statement to clarify why I can't do experiments when anything else is going on - all my experiments have 1 hour timepoints. That is the longest incubation time in an experiment that can last anywhere from 10 to 14 hours. So if I attend anything, a seminar, data club, journal club, anything, I can't do any assays on that day. Kind of sucks.

In all actuallity, I do have a lot of data to analyze right now as well as a lab notebook to update. I have several live-cell microscopy experiments to analyze and they take hours upon hours. Each experiment has about 2o stage positions, and the scope takes a picture of every stage position every 4 minutes for 5 to 10 hours. It takes a loooong time analyze and I've been putting it off. Guess this would be a good week to get it done.

Other good thing, I have to analyze the data in another lab so I won't see the Kiwi.

The gloves are off

I am so pissed that I can't even work now. I get here at 7am on necrospy days to be done before the samples get here. I was 5 minutes late last Friday. 5 minutes! LB felt compelled as he was leaving today to inform me to be done on time on Monday. I said I was only 5 minutes late. He told me it was rude. I controlled myself, I didn't kill him or string him up. I just looked at him and said "You really don't want to start this." And walked away. He is the LAST person to be calling anyone anything. He publishes data that is false, he lies about how much work he does, he order technicians and other people around like he is the boss and not a student.

If he wants to start acting like a dick he picked the wrong person. I will not put up with it like other people in lab. I sent him an email informing him that his comment was uncalled for and he is the last person to be calling anyone anything. I don't care that it's in writing. Just let someone ask what I meant and I'll be happy to explain it to them.

He is stepping on the wrong persons toes. I have been civil to him thus far but no longer.

I'll be done soon and just don't care anymore. The gloves are off.

Paranoia Update

So, Geeka and I were wondering if he is looking for a new job, what about his wife? Well, I talked to Mo about it and during his earlier trip she reminded me that he told her and me different things. He told me he was going to give a seminar. He told her he was going because his wife had something. Hmmm.

I might be paranoid

The boss has been making me and Mo nervous lately. He's being realistic in how long it will take to get experiments done, he's in a decent mood, and he's being supportive of my work. All of which are extremely unusual. We are waiting for something to happen. Something always happens.

Mo told me that he has agreed that something he wanted her to do isn't going to be necessary. That she has enough. So he is cutting things from her and my project that might be great to do (at least in my case) but would take too long for our timetable. If we had done this a year ago it would be fine.

I learned yesterday he is gone today and tomorrow. I learned today where he went. This is the second time he has visited the same university down south. The first time he gave a seminar. No one knows what he is doing this time. He didn't even bother to tell us he was leaving.

I'm starting to worry that perhaps he is looking for another job. Besides his money issues, that might be why he is being realistic about what we can do by the end of the summer. He wants us to be done with experiments, writing, and ready to defend by the end of summer.

I wish I knew what he's doing down there. I bet LB knows.

Now it's a logo

Not only does our boss want flags, now LB is talking about a logo. When Kiwi was talking about flags LB was talking about how the new logo for our facility is lame. How someone he knows should design a new one. Then LB suggested that we need a logo for our lab. I think he was serious. I also think he saw the look I gave him. I told Mo and her first comment was that it would have to be a gay flag.

I feel I need to make a disclaimer. We have nothing against gay people. I have gay friends. We just have a problem with the ones that we work with, especially our boss.

Money Issues

It's kind of obvious that our boss is not well liked. He doesn't pay for two of his students, the remaining two (Mo & I), he says he doesn't have enough money to keep. Yet he is actively interviewing postdocs and will eventually hire one. So we know he's lying for the most part. As a result, we (FD, Mo, and I) don't care at all how much we spend. We buy what we need and sometimes we buy things we don't need (usually me). Our motto is "Spend the f*rs money. Who cares."

Well, yesterday, our boss has finally taken notice to what we've been doing. As a result of moving to the new facility, most of our purchases have to be signed by him. We used to use P-card, now we can't. And he never paid attention to finances. He came to each of us and asked that we watch what we spend and try to be frugal. Apparently, we all managed to spend 23,000 dollars last month! Most of his money has been wasted on LB's study so none of us really care. And honestly, most of what we bought last month were legit purchases. Mo and I are growing A LOT of dendritic cells, which require IL-4, GMCSF, and a lot of media with expensive FBS. That's probably where the bulk of the money is going. Oh well, if he wants our experiments to work, to even be done at all, we need the stuff.

I'd be interested to see how much the spending goes down after Mo and I leave.

Lab crap

Someone needs to shake me. I'm trying to resist the urge to complete reorganize (or organize) this lab by myself. I can't take it. There is no reason why anything is located where it is. When we lost our storage room last week everything was put above our benches, nowhere near the hood rooms. LB was pissed because he was the one who had to take everything out of the storage room. So he put stuff in no conceivable order. Pipettes are everywhere, conicals are everywhere. Every time I need something it's like a scavenger hunt. The hood rooms are just as bad. He randomly put stuff in those rooms, instead of putting useful stuff in there. I've been fighting the urge for days and I don't know how long I can hold it off.

The area where our lab is located is about 75% empty, but it is slowly filling up. And in order to entice certain scientist to join the place, the director wants it to look as open and empty as possible (shows room for expansion). However, that means that every time someone moves in, we are forced to compress stuff, like losing the storage room. We all had to move sinks down. It's ridiculous because as soon as an area is set up we have to move it. Anyway, our benches were at the end, now there other people are at the end. We all keep walking down the wrong row. At first I thought he was kidding, but he mentioned it again today to LB, who of course thought it was a great idea. He suggested putting nationality flags at the end of the benches to help people walk down the right ones. He's serious. For one thing, the outside aisle barely fits two people, a flag will get in the way, and we will probably hit our heads on it. He can pay workman's comp for someone getting stabbed in the eye. Plus, we just need to pay attention. If we walk down the wrong aisle, it's our own fault. Flags are stupid.

Why I like country music

(I'm bored during my incubations, so I'm making random posts.)

I listen to country music. I like country music, a lot. Don't get me wrong, I like other kinds as well, classical, pop, rock. Don't like rap too much or the really heavy-metal-kill-your-mother-music.

A while back I watched the CMT awards. Jeff Foxworthy was the host and at the end of the show he had a monologue. It stole the show. For anyone who doesn't like country music and doesn't understand why people do they need to listen to this. Also anyone who loves country music because they will probably relate. Below is the video clip from YouTube with the words underneath. If you would like to see a clear version that's a bit easier to hear go to the CMT website.

Enjoy.

"I started thinking about why I like country music and doing
this show so much, and here's what I came up with, y'all.

I like country music because it's about the things in life that really matter. It ain't about
braggin' about how you're gonna mess somebody up, or how somebody ain't
respectin' ya. It's about love, family, friends -- with a few beers, a cheap
woman and a two-timin' man thrown in for spice.

It doesn't take political sides, even with things as ugly as war. Instead, it celebrates the brave men and women who go to fight 'em, the price they pay to do it and the longin' we have for them to return home to the ones that they love.

It's about kids and how there ain't nothin' like 'em. I get tired of hearin' about how bad kids are today, because there are a lot of great kids out there that just need somebody to love 'em and believe in 'em. Country folks love their kids and they will jack you up if you try to mess with 'em!

People in country music don't forget the people that allow them to do what they do for a livin'. They sign autographs and they take pictures with the fans because they know without 'em most of us entertainers would be gettin' a lot dirtier in the course of our workday. We are thankful that people want to hear the songs and the jokes that we write.

Country music doesn't have to be politically correct. We sing about God because we believe in Him. We are not trying to offend anybody, but the evidence that we have seen of Him in our small little lives trumps your opinion about whether or not He exists.

We love country music because it touches us where we live. It's about mommas, and when they were hot, and when they are unappreciated, and when they were dyin'. It's about daddies and the difficulties they have sometimes at tellin' the people that they work so hard to protect and provide for how they feel about 'em.

Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country.

You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary.

All we ask for is a few songs to carry us along the way, and that's why I love this show, because it ain't some self-important Hollywood hype with the winners determined by somebody else. On this show, you decide who goes home with a trophy and you get to dance and sing along with the people that bring you the songs of your life."

Construction Traffic

Pennsylvania has got to be the state with most road construction. And right now Pittsburgh seems to be the capital. I think every conceivable route in and out of the city has road construction.

But the most amazing thing happened the other day. The highway was two lanes that eventually merged into one, so the entire way to the merge point there were signs saying "Use both lanes to merge point." Which, everyone did. But that wasn't the amazing part. Traffic never actually stopped for more than a few seconds at a time. Even though it was rush hour and construction went on for miles. At the merge point everyone was actually taking their turn, alternating cars merging into the right lane. I was stunned. People actually taking turns instead of driving tightly together so no one could merge in front of them.

I felt I needed to comment on this because people are usually stupid and cause unnecessary traffic jams. If people would just take turns things would go smoothly. And it did!

Friday frustration

I was actually going to be able to go home at a normal hour today, i.e. home by 6pm, but alas, the lab gnomes have foiled all my plans. The Central Blood Back screwed up again today. They didn't draw my buffy coat. They said if I really wanted one they could draw one this afternoon. I said it's not that I really want it, I really need it. I have recently discovered that the main reason my stuff hasn't been working for quite a while is that I need fresh dendritic cells. My frozen DCs just don't cut it. This is a wonderful discovery because now stuff is working. The downside is that now I have to process blood twice a week, which wouldn't be so bad except I have to do large experiments at the same time. I can't lose 2 days per week of experiments.

That being said, since I've been sick this week my energy has been consumed quickly so I was only going to process blood today and go home. Now the blood won't show up until around 4pm if I'm lucky. Which means I will be here until 9pm, at the earliest. I could have slept in today. But now I'm stuck here because it is pointless to take the bus home because I'd have to be back by 4pm.

To top it off, my boss apparently isn't here today. I could have left early with no hassle. One bright light, sort of, is that I don't have to come in this weekend. (Except to feed my cells but that doesn't count.) The laser is out on the microscope I use and won't be fixed until sometime next week. Downside - can't analyze my slides. Upside - don't have to come in!

Later in the day:

More frustration, so when I get back to lab from the CBI, I find out that a monkey is "being sacked as we speak" using my boss's words. It was supposed to go down next Friday. This is the second time this has happened and it's getting pretty old. I called my boss because he wanted to talk to FD or LB, neither of whom was in the lab. He was taken off guard because he didn't want to talk to me, but besides Mo I was the only other one here at the time. My boss told me that samples were coming from the facility and FD needed to talk to the vet tech to arrange a pickup here. He said if I see FD or LB to tell them whatever. I said flat out, "Well, LB doesn't come in when he isn't signed up for the hood. He's not signed up today so he probably won't be here. He hardly ever comes in on Fridays." My boss just kind of stuttered on the other end and changed the subject.

Then we went from frantically trying to get stuff done before the samples arrived to slowing down. They were putting the monkey down but snap freezing the samples so we weren't getting anything. Apparently, FD talked to the boss and told him he was tired and already had plans and wasn't going to process any tissue. And LB couldn't be found, once again he wasn't answering his phone. Surprise, surprise. The boss wanted FD to call LB and figure out what monkey is going to be put down for next week (it needs to be decided by Monday), and FD told the boss if he left a message on LB's phone then there was no reason for FD to do it. I guess the boss was pretty irritated. Good for him. It's not our problem that his golden child is never here and won't answer his phone. Why should we do his work when he's off probably smoking dope and being a bum?

Waiting . . .

I'm currently waiting for a member of my committee to set-up an experiment. He's a 1/2 hour late which is a problem because I have to set my part up before he does his part. This means that the longer he takes, the worse it will look because the cells have been in the chamber too long before starting the experiment.

I am at his mercy. It is a several hundred thousand dollar scope that is his livelihood. No one can use it but him. So I'm sitting here waiting, while my cells get unhappy.

Happy Birthday to Geeka!

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday to you,

Happy Birthday dear Geeka,

Happy Birthday to you!!!

Pet Owner's Day

If there isn't a "Pet Owner's Day" or "Pet Owner Appreciation Day" there should be. For the past several days all I've watched are Mother's Day commercials, mostly jewelry. Not that I want jewelery. But what about those of us who have a furry, non-human family with no intention of having children. For some reason I feel left out. I want a day.

I should be sleeping

My being sick has completely messed up my sleeping pattern. I'm sleeping most of the day so now I can't sleep at night. I should be sleeping now and I'll regret it tomorrow, uh, today, when I have to get up in 4 1/2 hours. My day will be insanely busy, blood processing, faculty candidate stuff, meeting with kiwi and potential collaborator, meeting with kiwi, and finish processing blood. I will barely have time to breathe, which will probably make me sicker. I should have been preparing for the meeting today instead of sleeping, but I just couldn't make myself do anything that involved thinking. Now I'm going to pay for it.

My turn to be sick

Everyone seems to be getting sick around here lately. LB, Geeka, Geeka's boss, my fiance - now it's my turn. I feel like crap, I never used to get sick a lot but now I seem to catch everything everyone else always has. I think it's because I'm overworked and excessively tired, weakening my immune system.

I have a cold. I'm so devoid of energy I don't want to move, or think. I should be reading up on stuff for work but don't' feel like it. It sucks, no matter how crappy I feel I still have to go to work, even tomorrow, on a Sunday. I have slides to analyze for a Monday afternoon meeting.

Now my boss is talking crazy talk about how he knows we are trying to get me done "but". He's talking about generating a T cell clone. As I've repeated many times, he's lost his mind.

I wonder how many times the same person can lose his mind?

Missing the weekend

I had a wonderful weekend at home. I didn't realize how much I missed everyone and everything until I was there. I've decided I need to go home at least once a month to "depressurize." It did me good because I'm even handling the craziness at work better, and things have not gone well over all this week. And it's only Tuesday!

I live in the countryside, a wonderful rural area off the main highway down a dirt road. It's so peaceful there. It reminded me how much I miss living in the country, and that I'm not a city girl. The sun was shining, the birds were chirping, I could hear crickets outside my window at night. It was warm enough I could leave it open all night long. My drive there takes me through Amish country, right where I live. The Amish were plowing their fields with the horse hitches. It was a wonderful site. The drive home was even nice, I was driving directly into the setting sun and the sky was just ablaze with hues of red, yellow, and orange. It made me wish I had a camera to take a picture. It was so perfect.

We had a surprise birthday party for my sister over the weekend so I got to see most of my family on my mom's side. I miss them all.

However, now I'm back at work. Yesterday I talked LB into helping me with washing and autoclaving, which he then proceeded to start then NOT finish. I had a 20 min break to eat and while I stepped out, he left. He left the stuff in the autoclave room, not autoclaved. That wouldn't have been so bad but he didn't even bother to leave me a note. I didn't know he left and thought everything was getting done. I ended up doing it all this morning - and some of it twice! Some of the packets that were stacked didn't dry and were sopping wet. I had to do it over. I confronted him about leaving yesterday and he said he had to go home and write. He's working on a paper for someone in another lab and when he writes he like to do it at home. Bullshit. He doesn't write, never has and probably never will. Other people do it for him. I hate it when people lie. It's so juvenile and pointless.

I also got up early this morning so I could have blood processed before the faculty candidate seminar at noon. I overlayed the blood over histopaque then proceeded to knock all the 50 ml conicals on the floor, leaving myself with a nice homogeneous mixture of histopaque and blood. The extra setup and spin added an hour to the process. With everything I had planned for this afternoon I am still trying to finish it. I'm in another lab right now waiting to set up another experiment with one of my committee members.

One good thing though - last night I had an experiment finally work. Not much has worked in a long time. The bad part is that now kiwi has a lot of ideas based on what worked yesterday. In the span of a few hours he looked up literature, called another lab, and set-up a meeting with someone to collaborate with, without talking to me first. I need to make sure what he wants to do will even work. The right epitope may not be present on my cells. Not to mention we never optimized the T cell assay, I worked on it for over a year with another cell line and never got it to work, now he wants to try it again. I'm giving him until Friday and at our meeting I have to remind him that he says he can't fund me anymore, that the department will not pay for me indefinitely, and adding all these experiments isn't possible. Because what I did worked so well he wants me to use it as my model instead of the other cell I have - this means redoing every single experiment I have done up to this point. He's insane. He acts before he thinks. And he doesn't think very well.

Thank goodness it's Friday

What a day. First I slept in, I've had a hard time getting out of bed lately. I get to work and my boss asks me what do I know about the freezer. I ask him what he's talking about. I hadn't checked my email because I went directly to the hood room to process blood. Apparently, the top door of the -80 freezer was left open and stuff thawed out. Samples were lost, reagents, etc. He asked when I was in there last and I explained to him that I hadn't been in the freezer since last Friday (the date on my isopropanol container) and haven't even been in the room since Wednesday.

He proceed to say how apparently no one he's talked to was in there and nobody did it. He pretty much accused us of lying to him. Well, for one thing, the person who did it wouldn't have realized it or they would have closed the door! Second, he stood there an lied to me. FD told me that he already told the kiwi that he was in it in the morning. It feels more and more like high school, heck, elementary school in the place. If he's willing to lie about stupid little things then what about big things.

The autoclaving is piling up, that is supposed to be my job since the lab manager was let go but with the time course of my experiments it's hard to find time. LB needs to do it - he apparently has plenty of time since he hasn't been here since Wednesday. And if he plans on doing a necropsy every couple of weeks he needs to help.

It was one thing after another today. The one good thing was that my meeting with kiwi went well in the afternoon, amazingly. He was happy I had my new cell line (thanks to Geeka!). He even liked my ideas for experiments. To be honest though, he doesn't really know what to suggest because he doesn't really know very well what I'm doing.

Other than that, besides the freezer, my container of bleach managed to spill completely coating the inside of the hood, ran out of p1000 tips, ran out of GMSCF and had to stop to make it - it kind of topped off my week.

Thank goodness I'm actually going home this weekend. I don't remember when I was home last. There is a surprise birthday party for my sister and the weather is supposed to be great. I get to take the car and I'm going to relax and try not to think about work.

Probably the only bad thing out there is that the only Internet connection available is dial-up!

Peanut butter and jelly

Most of my friends here consider me slightly sheltered. I grew up in the countryside and never experienced a lot things until I moved to the city. For example, I had

• never ridden public transportation
• never had pizza delivery
• never had Indian food, Thai food, or sushi
• couldn't get cable at home
• never been to a strip club or adult store (those are stories unto themselves)

This is the first time I have lived somewhere where the closest gas station open late at night isn't 20 minutes away. Or fast food can be bought and still be hot when I get it home.

Today is the first day I have ever had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Not so much because I lived in the country but because I never cared for peanut butter. That was until I found the most wonderful freshly ground honey roasted peanut butter at Whole Foods. We don't have grocery stores like that back home. All that natural, organic food with no preservatives. I can eat that peanut butter plain. And the peanut butter and jelly sandwich was great! I can never go back to jarred peanut butter again.

The one thing nice about working late is that I can eat at my desk, which is next to my bench.

Faculty candidate

Now I find out that "they" want me to have lunch with incoming faculty candidates. I'm flattered but I'm wondering who the "we" is in the email. I know it's not my boss. He wouldn't recommend me for anything. And if it involves free food LB is always the one invited. I'm all for a free lunch and networking but now I have two more seminars I have to go to.

That also means I should probably learn what other people in this place work on. I've only been focusing on getting my work done and getting out of here. Since we moved to this new department I haven't paid any attention to anyone else. But is that so bad? My boss wants me gone and I want to be gone so why should I care what is going on outside of my lab.

Postdoc update

Okay, so now Mo and I have to meet with the applicant together. You'd think our boss would be smarter than that. All we do when we are together is bitch about this place. FD, Mo, and I had a talk today about how we were going to be honest with all the incoming applicants. We don't want anyone wasting any of their life by being in this void of a lab. I think we already scared away the first applicant. He would have been very good for the lab. He had a good personality and seemed to have the ambition and skills necessary to be a good researcher. Kiwi would only ruin his spirit. The three of us told him how it was - the favoritism, the lack of motivation, the differences in ideas in how science should be done, the lack of collaboration, etc. Perhaps we shouldn't have done that but we hate this place and would never want anyone subjected to this atmosphere without warning.

Mo said it is her mission to have all postdoc applicants turn him down. She needs to be careful because that could backfire, we will waste our entire summer meeting with candidates and going to pointless seminars. Personally, I could care in the least who he hires once I'm gone, I am going to sever all ties with this place. But while we are here we will try to warn people off. I wonder how long before Kiwi realizes that having postdoc candidates meet with us is a bad idea. Knowing him - he won't.

FD is going to do the same thing with the rotation student in our lab. Warn him that he wouldn't join this lab if he could go back and do it again.

Postdoc applicant

This happened yesterday but I was too busy to post. In my lab there are 4 ph.d. students (3 who do work, and one who doesn't), and one technician. Actually, there is also a rotation student but I don't know his name and I really don't care right now. The postdoc applicant is a woman from India. My boss (who I will refer to as the Kiwi, because he's from New Zealand but also because he shaves his head and it's fuzzy like the fruit - even though I realize people from New Zealand refer to the bird, not in his case) is having dinner with her the day she arrives. On the itinerary he also scheduled the other female student to have dinner with them - he did this before asking her. When kiwi saw her, he said he thought it would be good for her to be there because the postdoc applicant might feel more comfortable talking with her, or dealing with her, or something like that. He tripped over his words.

She was really offended and took it to mean that since she is a foreigner (she's from the Middle East), that she can communicate better with other foreigners, not Americans. I didn't take it that way, to me it didn't mean she couldn't relate to us, but that we couldn't communicate with her. Apparently, we Americans can't have an intellectual conversation with someone from another country. She kept calling him racist and sexist. I tend to agree with her on this one. He yet again is proving to be an idiot.

I'm speechless but I shouldn't be

So, our lab, together with the other labs on this floor, recently purchased a 14-color flow cytometer. It's crazy - I wish it had been around when I started my project way back when. There is so much I could have done, but since I have no intentions of learning a new system and a complicated machine from scratch I will stick with my old 4-color flow cytometer. Anyway, my lab mate just showed me a sheet of paper that our boss set on LB's desk. It is a nice table that lists two cytometers (we also have access to a 12-color), the fluorochromes, the emission spectra, and the exciting laser. There are also three more tables that list several dendritic cell and T cell relevant antigens, the function of the antigen, the fluorochrome available, and the exciting laser. In other words, LB doesn't have to think. The boss is now researching reagents and planning experiments for the student.

Picnic in the cold

It's hard to pass up free food when you are a graduate student. The Doctoral Student Organization had a picnic today. Food was pretty good. I ate way too many perogies. It was fun to see some people outside of school, even though we always end up talking about work at some point. Someone brought up how everyone seems to be suffering from funding issues nowadays, which I didn't even touch given how my boss tries to pull the "I don't have funding card" all the time. One student said it perfectly, it really means they just don't want you anymore because if they really wanted to keep you, they would find the money somehow. The only lousy thing was the weather. It's the middle of April and we were all wearing winter coats, hats, and gloves. It was a cold, rainy day. Just another day in Pittsburgh. It's even supposed to snow in the next couple days. How I wish for the 70s again.

Friday at last

It's Friday, and for once I can look forward to the weekend because I refuse to come to lab to do any work. Well, I need to come in for 1/2 hour to thaw some cells but that doesn't count. I'm looking forward to spending time with my fiance. With the crazy hours I worked up to my last committee meeting I haven't seen much of him. We spent Easter weekend together but not much more than that.

Today was pretty uneventful. My boss was ignoring me. And trust me, this isn't a bad thing. He is hard to describe to other people. You get to know him more by hearing the stories. The most general term that one of my lab mates and I can come up with is psychotic. And this really doesn't encompass what and who he is. Here is a quick summary of the kind of PI that he is:

• He has mood swings worse than a woman with PMS.
• When irritated with a female student, and I stress female, he suggests that we should quit with a Masters. This is after we had been in this hell hole for more than 4 years working for a Ph.D. There are two of us (female students) and there used to be a lot of conflict between the two of us, until we started bonding over the hatred for our boss. We also feel that part of the reason he is this way is because his wife wears the pants in the family so he takes out his frustrations on the only females that he can - us.
• He doesn't care how you get the 'expected, positive' results, just that you get them.
• Optimizing an assay is unheard of, let's just jump in vivo!
• He looks to a student (who I will refer to as LB) for advice. This said student knows nothing, does just about nothing, and what he does, he does wrong. But gets accolades for everything. I will elaborate on this in the future. There is waaaaay too much to talk about now.
• LB is the only student permitted to collaborate with others. Most of us have no publications. I for one, was told that I shouldn't look for a postdoc position in research because it looks bad that I don't have any. Well whose fault is that! He controls what I'm allowed to work on and what I can publish!
• He gave me a very poor student review where one of the things mentioned was that he had been unhappy with my performance for 18 months. Forget the fact that 12 months ago I received glowing review from him.
• He lies to the chairperson of our department and the rest of the world about how much work LB does. LB is permitted to put his name first on the poster because he is 'presenting' the poster, not because he did most of the work.
• He fired our lab manager of over three years via email.
• He doesn't have enough funding to keep me or my lab mate but LB can "hang around" for eighteen months not doing much of anything because he didn't get accepted to medical school AND he's trying to hire two postdocs.

I can go on, and on, and on but that's enough for now. You get the general idea. So it wasn't a bad thing that he was ignoring me today, actually it's more of avoidance. He didn't respond to my morning email requesting a meeting next week to go over my data. I have to email all my correspondences with him so I have a written record - he's been known to lie. It's actually comical, the boss avoiding the student. Usually it's the other way around in this place.

I had to work in the hood room with LB today. There are two hoods in that room. He tries to have a 'nice' conversation and I don't know why. He's knows I don't like him. It used to be awkward because we used to be friends, before he started acting like an ass. I do feel better about one thing though. It always drove me nuts and I wanted to beat him when he talks about our boss because he refers to him as "The Fearless Leader." He's definitely not either. However, one of my friends pointed out to me today that it isn't really a compliment. The Fearless Leader was a character in the cartoon Rocky & Bullwinkle. A leader who thought he was but wasn't really very good. The description on a website about the cartoon refers to the character as someone who

has no hesitations in offing co-workers that have done him wrong. He's considered the ultimate badnik of the entire country, and does nothing to hide his ambitions to rule the world. . . . He continues to send his special agents . . . around the world to obtain his riches and secret information.

He definitely tries to crush his students, he's definitely the "ultimate badnik," he wants to rule the science world, and LB is his secret agent. He often spies on us for the boss, reporting back to him things we say and do. So no matter how LB may act, I have to watch what I say around him about the boss. At least his time in the hood was brief. I try to keep our interactions at a minimum because even hearing his voice puts me a bad mood.

Let's get started

Well, after much hesitation and indecisiveness I have finally started a blog. The need to have an outlet to get my frustration out has grown to the point that I can't ignore it any longer. And I want to do it anonymously. I am a graduate student in the biological sciences nearing the end of my life-time career as a student. Last year my boss decided to up and move the entire lab to a new building - away from the rest of our department and away from my venting buddy. I need to be able to talk about "sciencey stuff" without having to explain everything and I don't like to bring frustrations home. However, that being said, I have no intentions of just complaining the whole time.

As for the title, I feel like I spend every waking hour (and non-waking) living in the world of science. Reading, doing experiments, defending what I'm doing to people who don't really care, etc., so I have a tendency to look at things critically. Yet so much goes on that doesn't require critical thinking, just some common sense, that's where the 'non' comes in. Also, too much ridiculousness happens not to share!

So bear with me because this blog will progress over time. I need to learn html and expand my Internet horizons. I've never done websites or web pages . . . but I am good at descriptive writing . . . at least most of the time.

Almost forgot, guess I could explain the name. I do a lot of confocal imaging and live-cell microscopy work. A friend of mine once referred to me as an image goddess. For lack of anything better I decided to use it. It also has a double meaning for me because I am a photography buff. I do a lot of digital photography so I'm always manipulating images.